The following quotations are taken from official court
records across the nation, showing how funny and embarrassing it is that
recorders operate at all times in courts of law, so that even the slightest
inadvertence is preserved for posterity.
Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a
child?"
Witness: "I only have one, you know."
Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first
marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Lawyer: "And by whose death was it
terminated?"
Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a
good look at my face when I took your purse?"
The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in
jail.
Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
Witness: "July 15th."
Lawyer: "What year?"
Witness: "Every year."
Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your
house?"
Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my
father that was stolen from the hall closet."
Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?"
Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the
side of it."
Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?"
Witness: "'Winchester'!"
Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of
the impact?"
Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."
Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who
attacked you looked like?"
Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
Witness: "Er...his face."
Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect
your memory at all?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your
memory?"
Witness: "I forget."
Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of
something that you've forgotten?"
Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with
you?"
Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't
remember which."
Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
Witness: "Forty-five years."
Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband
said to you when he woke that morning?"
Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
Witness: "My name is Susan."
Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I
think."
Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"
Witness: "After the accident?"
Lawyer: "Before the accident."
Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even
went to school for it."
Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant,
were your red and blue lights flashing?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she
got out of her car?"
Witness: "Yes, sir."
Lawyer: "What did she say?"
Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"
Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient
was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk
in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been
alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have
been alive and practicing law somewhere."
Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the
time of the collision?"
Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit
frequently?"
Officer: "Yes, I do."
Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning
correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"
Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning
correctly."
Lawyer: "What happened then?"
Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you
because you can identify me.'"
Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent
and honest man--"
Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd
return the compliment."
Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left,
is that true?"
Lawyer: "So you were gone until you
returned?"
Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how
old is he?"
Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"
Lawyer: "How long have you been a French
Canadian?"
Witness: "He was about medium height and had a
beard."
Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"
Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather
elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."
Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"
Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you
recognize that picture."
Witness: "That's me."
Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was
taken?"
Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning
when you were sworn in?"
Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are
now?"
Witness: "I'll be three months on November
8."
Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception
was August 8?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"
Lawyer: "How many times have you committed
suicide?"
Witness: "Four times."
Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of
that kind?"
Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
Witness: "None."
Lawyer: "Were there girls?"
Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you
didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"
Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the
basement?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up
also?"
Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your
life?"
Witness: "Not yet."
Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a
stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next
question."
Lawyer: "Do you recall approximately the time that
you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?"
Witness: "It was in the evening. The autopsy
started about 8:30pm."
Lawyer: "And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time,
is that correct?"
Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
Witness: "Borofkin."
Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
Witness: "I can't remember."
Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years,
and you can't remember his first name?"
Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising
and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell
them your first name!"
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man
in New York?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man
in Chicago?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man
in Miami?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the
woods?"
Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar
region."
Lawyer: "What is your marital status?"
Witness: "Fair."
Lawyer: "Are you married?"
Witness: "No, I'm divorced."
Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you
divorced him?"
Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know
about."
Lawyer: "And who is this person you are speaking
of?"
Witness: "My ex-widow said it.
Lawyer: "How did you happen to go to Dr.
Cherney?"
Witness: "Well, a gal down the road had had
several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good."
Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you
performed on dead people?"
Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on
dead people."
Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the
deceased?"
Witness: "Yes sir."
Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"
Lawyer: "Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this
morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
Witness: "No. This is how I dress when I go to
work."
The Court: "Now, as we begin, I must ask you to
banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have
any."
Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"
Witness: "Picking them up in the air."
Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?"
Witness: "Attached to the ears."
Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she,
if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints
on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she,
with him to the station?"
Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be
taken out and shot."
Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must
be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?"
Witness: "Oral."
Lawyer: "How old are you?"
Witness: "Oral."
Lawyer: "What is your relationship with the
plaintiff?"
Witness: "She is my daughter."
Lawyer: "Was she your daughter on February 13,
1979?"
Lawyer: "Now, you have investigated other murders,
have you not, where there was a victim?"
Lawyer: "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a
person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't
know anything about it until the next morning?"
Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"
Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was
dead."
Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he
was dead?"
Lawyer: "Did you tell your lawyer that your
husband had offered you indignities?"
Witness: "He didn't offer me nothing. He just said
I could have the furniture."
Lawyer: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came
out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?"
Witness: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I
was in the hospital."
Lawyer: "It was covered?"
Witness: "Yes, bandaged."
Lawyer: "Then, later on...what did you see?"
Witness: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks
and leg were removed and put on top of my head."
Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were
standing?"
Witness: "I could see his head."
Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
Witness: "Just above his shoulders."
Lawyer: "Do you drink when you're on duty?"
Witness: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I
come on duty drunk."
Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this
from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
Witness: "The victim lived."
Lawyer: "The truth of the matter is that you were
not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the
fracas."
Witness: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the
fracas and the naval."
Lawyer: "Officer, what led you to believe the
defendant was under the influence?"
Witness: "Because he was argumentary, and he
couldn't pronunciate his words."
